The Zoo

I went to Blank Park Zoo, which naturally reminded me of when I last went to the Zoo with her, July 2022.

I cried less than I expected, though she was fluttering about in the recesses of my mind the entire time.

I thought of her as I dug out a stroller for Eloise. I took the wagon for Madeline, but Eloise isn't quite that stable.

I thought of her in the gift shop where I bought her a little stuffed otter. Otters were my favorite. I actually unearthed the little stuffed otter from the collecting of stuffies that I was going to dispose of. The otters today were absent the first time we went by, but scurrying around when we passed again. I saw one slip in the pool and grabbed Eloise out of her stroller and ran down to where you could see into the pool through glass and the otter made several swoops around for us.

I thought of her in the aquarium room, which had seemed to be her favorite. I wish I remembered why I came to that conclusion. I think she was charmed especially by the glass bowl window that makes you feel like you're under water.

The time I cried, oddly, was when we were in line for the train and there was a little peaky baby with an enteral tube hanging over his shoulder, probably a G-tube. I looked at his mom's backpacks, and sure enough one had tubing hanging out of it with a brownish liquid inside. I just kept thinking of her while standing in line, thinking of what other people must have wondered about us, thinking about the times I had to tube feed her on the go like at Center Grove Orchard.

I thought of her near the butterfly bench. The picture of her standing on it is now iconic.

I thought of her while trucking around the stroller. She had largely wanted to be carried, since she was already feeling the effects of the tumor, though I didn't know it yet, but then she felt good enough to get out and push the wagon, so I was hoping she was feeling better. Thinking back, I think she actually threw up that morning, but by then I knew it wasn't the flu, so I didn't cancel our plans. I had no idea what it was, but nobody else got sick.

I would bring her up randomly. Madeline would love this. Madeline wasn't interested in this.

She should be here.