Butterflies for Madeline

Why "Butterflies for Madeline"?

I think the first connection for me was before we even knew anything was wrong. It was that trip to the zoo, where she stood on the bench.

Wearing her butterfly shirt. Her favorite place to ride was my ring sling with butterflies on it.

But it wasn't really a theme until after brain surgery when she got a giant squishmallow butterfly in the mail.

After the surgery, with all the tubes and stuff, she started sleeping on a pillow on her back. But in the night sometimes she'd roll over into the crib bars, hit her face, and wake herself up. So we started putting Butterfly there to protect her. She got butterflies and Butterfly drawn on her door. Whenever she had to go back, whether scheduled or for fever protocol, along with her books, her fuzzy pink blanket, and Dexter, we grabbed Butterfly.

I didn't discover until after the funeral that Haley, my brother's wife's sister, was the one who sent it to her.

When I walked with her in the hospital, pushing her little blue car with one hand and pulling her IV pole with the other, I'd point out her door with the butterflies every time.

I used it as a theme. Butterflies reminded me of Madeline. I bought a bunch of butterfly temporary tattoos and would put them on to show Madeline, and then apply them to her arms by request. I'd usually cut her off at one tattoo per arm. I would hide a butterfly puff sticker in each hospital room we were in. I'd put butterfly stickers on my phone case. 

I liked to imagine this was the chrysalis phase, and she was going to emerge on the other side better, stronger than before.

During The Long Winter, we decorated her crib with a paper garland with butterflies on it.

During her coma, we colored butterfly pictures to decorate her room. I bought her a butterfly Beanie Baby and her Aunt Christie brought her a different butterfly Beanie Baby.

One of her favorite movies to watch was Encanto, which has a strong butterfly theme. During her coma, I'd play it sometimes just to feel normal. I'd connect to the butterflies, to Mirabel singing "I'm waiting on a miracle," and "open your eyes." Then afterward, to the song of love and loss, "Dos Oruguitas" about two caterpillars becoming butterflies...

At the funeral, Aunt Melissa's artistic friend Courtney gave us a "Gravlin special" silk painting of a butterfly.

My grandma gifted me, Melissa, and Mom with golden butterfly necklaces.

I point out butterflies, treasure butterflies and butterfly art, and go see butterflies at the Reiman Gardens butterfly exhibit.

Because Butterflies for Madeline.